I don’t think I ever got to write a “What I Did Over Summer Vacation” essay for school. That’s the beauty of owning your own blog: you can give yourself assignments. So here I go.
Over summer vacation, I sat around feeling really low and numb quite a bit. The television hurts me to watch. Social media can hurt with the pain too. Seeing the emotions, struggles, fighting, injustice, and lack of basic love for other people nearly kills me. So many people are so worried about their own selfish needs they do not seem to be bothered watching their neighbors die or be treated terribly by the world. It was really hard to just keep going some days so I knew it was time to pull back a bit.
Sometimes, pulling back can be dark and scary. That’s the really hard part of depression. Instead of looking for something bright and working toward it, you curl up in a ball without any real idea how to get out of it. I have been there many times before, but this time I managed to keep myself looking for the bright spot.
I found it. I signed a book deal.
I would like to ask everyone right now to read that sentence 100 times and smile big while doing it. I thought about typing it 100 times but I think that may be overkill for you as readers (I might do it later just for fun for me though). I have wanted to do this for years, I have been told by others to do it for years, and I have been feeling the pull deep in my heart to do it yet I always found a reason to talk myself out of it. Until this summer when the world was falling apart and I couldn’t find happiness anywhere so I decided to force some into my world by doing something terrifying. Also exciting. And all of the feelings in between depending on the day.
I didn’t blog and I’m sorry for that.
I don’t want to be a person who just talks because she thinks she should. I don’t want for force words or thoughts. I think a lot of people force things from time to time and it just takes all sincerity out of the world. It diminishes the stories and all my hopes for you (and me). I’m still sorry the blog was dead. I always keep the Facebook and Instagram going! Follow me there for just little snippets on the fly during “dry spells” here.
I went to Disney World. Masked up, socially distanced, and totally different than ever before but had the best time of my life there. I needed to go to my happy place.
I learned to play golf. I am bad. I have fun. It’s awesome.
I reconnected with an old friend. Who is really going through what I am. I both love and hate that fact. Mostly, I just love her and its so stupid we got too lazy to connect sooner. I learned to never let that happen again. I need my people and they need me. We’re all very important to someone, even if we don’t fully see it.
I went camping. I went on bike rides. I read so many books. I made amazing connections to help reach so many women! I made amazing connections to help me be reached and empowered! I forgave people I never thought I could. That alone is worth all the silence in the world. I gained a lot of peace from one act. It was not simple.
I learned how to be ok with people not liking me. I generally am ok with people not liking me over small things, but big things I feel and believe deep in my heart came under attack. In the past, I would have lost sleep, worried endlessly, argued vehemently, and carried on as the worst possible version of me. I battled those demons fiercely for weeks and while it was not easy, I can say the growth was worth it. I’m getting more comfortable in my skin.
I’m also a level 26 Pokemon Go trainer. Kind of big deal (also, I need more friends for a research gig from the professor so contact me with your code if you play!).
I laughed, loved, learned, and got sunburned once. I lived fully and with only a few tiny regrets (I’m too old to do back to back roller coasters anymore).
Now I’m ready for fall and being back in the swing of things. I want to hear about your Summer Vacation in the comments!