Posted in Anxiety, Depression, happiness, longreads, Mantras, motherhood, sad, selfcare

When You Can’t Choose Joy – SheProclaims.com

Choose joy. 

You’ve seen it plastered around the world and on your screens. I know I have. It’s a novel idea. An idea which aims to empower us and make us happy. Everyone wants to be in control of their life and feelings. They want to be happy and love their life. We would all love to choose joy, but it isn’t as easy as the quotes want us to believe. 

I Can’t Choose Just One Feeling

Life is full of complex emotions. They very rarely come to us in an orderly single-file fashion. Instead, situations we face are filled with conflicting and smooshed-up emotions. We feel happy, sad, and mad but we also feel emotions like nervcited (nervously exicted) and angity (angry pity). We experience glarrow (glad sorrow), desohope (hope in a desolate place), charenity (serenity in chaos), and thousands of other nameless compound feelings I haven’t made up names for yet. 

Shoving them all aside so we can simply choose joy robs us of the tapestry of the human experience. Also, it’s impossible for many people, myself included.

Is joy all that great if we don’t have moments of despair as contrast in our life? I am not sure we actually enjoy joy if we don’t know what the opposite feels like. Does joy alone help us to process great loss in a healthy manner? Can joy single handedly cure depression and mend broken hearts? If choosing joy, and only joy, were really possible I suppose it could do all those things in a very monotone manner. 

Of course, if you’re someone who struggles with finding happiness, failing to choose joy as easily as everyone else feels like just one more failure in your life. The exact opposite of what the sentiment means. I’m like that. I can try so hard to choose to be filled with joy and gratefulness and all the good feels in spite of difficult circumstances but it doesn’t actually change things. Then I am sure I am doing it wrong. Which leads me further into my shame and depression. Which then leads to me eating way too much ice cream and needing new pants. The absolute opposite of joy.

Stop Choosing, Start Looking

Instead of “choosing” joy, let’s start looking for joy. Just a tiny little bit each day.  

Looking implies we may not find it easily or right away. I’m still looking for a set of car keys I lost when we moved back in 2014. I haven’t found them yet, but I might. I look for hair ties at least four times per day. It shouldn’t be as hard as it is since I own 4.7 billion of them but I always have to hunt for them. I always find one eventually. Looking is so much better than choosing. It’s less pressure. 

In theory, you should see one joy per day. I really think that is generally an achievable thing. We had a terrible night last weekend filled with nightmares for our daughter and little sleep for me. At the end of the night, we saw a sunrise so bright and colorful it filled the whole sky out our window. It was full or purple, our favorite color. I could not choose joy in that moment as a tired, overworked, worried mom but I found a moment to smile about. 

Some days I find a huge joy or multiple joys. A cozy fire and happy family on Christmas. Everything at Disney World which makes my heart want to explode with joy. My favorite meal surrounded by my favorite people. Spending a whole day reading a book. Warm baths, good beer, long naps, salon day, game nights, owls, my people, my kids and zillions of little things. 

Some days, I find very few. Some days joy is celebrating the end of a very difficult day. Making it through something you thought would destroy you can be a strange joy but it still counts. 

Choosing Joy is Hard

I cannot choose joy and it is ok. I am ok. You are ok. We are doing our best to get through the strange journey of life. We may be on top of the world one day then lost in our lowest lows the next but we are doing our best. You are doing your best. Choosing joy is not a fair expectation for everyday living. 

Just remember to look for joy each day. 

Posted in books, Christian, happiness, moms, motherhood, selfcare, Uncategorized, What I'm Reading

The Best books to read in Quarantine – according to me.

The Best books to read in quarantine – according to me. I’d like to say there’s some science behind this to prove how correct I am, but there isn’t. I just love books.

So, I guess the best books to read in quarantine may be a stretch, since they’re all a matter of opinion, but I’m giving it a go anyway. It’s been awhile since I’ve shared what I’ve been reading so this seems like as good of a time as any. As always – I want to know what you’re reading so can add it to my list 🙂

My top 5 favorite reads right now

  1. Untamed by Glennon Doyle – It’s no secret I love her. She is real, she is full of love, and she has overcome some serious things to find her happy place. This book is no exception. I am currently reading this and its taking me a bit because I’m so busy underlining things and drinking in every word. If you’re feeling like life isn’t what it should be or that you aren’t feeling how you “should” about life, this one is for you. 
  2. It’s Not Supposed to Be this Way by Lysa TerKeurst – I seem to suggest this book constantly but that’s just because it’s so freaking good! There’s no denying life is going to get messy or mixed up and not always turn out how we planned. This book walks us through those hard times from a Christian perspective. My poor copy is full of my handwriting and highlighting , which tells you how great it is. 
  3. My (Not So) Perfect Life by Sophie Kinsella – sometimes a light, humorous, “chick-lit” book is what is what life needs. It’s not a style I read often but this one is good. What happens when you get everything in life and it all seems to be going perfectly before it all comes crashing down. We all know that feeling right now, don’t we? But of course, good things can come from change and do. 
  4. A Perfectly Messed Up Story by Patrick McDonnell – yes, it’s a picture book. Yes, its meant for kids. I started reading it because my daughter loved it and asked for it at bedtime. Now, I think it applies to us all. Young or old, get a copy and embrace it.
  5. Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng – Honestly, I haven’t read it yet. I’m starting it soon. This looks so good AND there is a Hulu show to start watching too. But read the book first. Always read the book first.

What am I missing?

These are some of the best books to read during quarantine according to me. I could go on, but then you’d have no time for reading books! Get lost and inspired in a book to ride this out. What else should I read?

*this post contains affiliate links, to help support the costs of hosting and running this site*

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, happiness, longreads, wtf

Who Will You Be When This is All Over? – SheProclaims.com

Who will you be when this is all over? This question got lodged in my head somehow this week. Here in Michigan, we are “sheltering in place” for three weeks. It sounds like a long time and feels even longer, but in the grand scheme of life it isn’t. It’s only three weeks (for now…who knows what’s next). 

Caterpillars spend 5 to 21 days inside their chrysalises turning into beautiful butterflies. Three weeks for even the slowest of caterpillars to go from fancy worm to magical butterfly. If they can do that, we certainly can learn a few things in the coming weeks. The question “who will you be when this is all over” deserves a little extra thought. 

The way I see it, we have two choices. We can come out exactly how we went in – which I guess would be a caterpillar fail – or we can turn inward and see new things about ourselves. We can make a few changes and learn a few new things to make us better than we were before. Enhanced versions of ourselves. 

A Change of Plans

If life had gone to plan this Spring, we would be ferrying one child to ballet, theater class, and softball while the other needed rides to vocal coaching and extra choir rehearsals. Matt and I would still be working a lot of hours because we should be getting ready to load up the family truckster to head to Disney World next week. We should be packing and planning while living our busy, chaotic, beautiful life. 

Instead, I am working from home with the kids running around. Matt’s role, classified as essential right now, requires him to still go to work every day. Aside from that, we’re here. We’re reading more books, playing more games, watching more tv, and going for more hikes than usual. We’re disappointed in the things we’re missing out on but it is what it is at this point. We are cozied up in our home for the next three weeks. 

Our home has become our chrysalis. We can ride it out and stay the same or choose to be better. [Spoiler alert: I’m choosing to be better. Pretty sure you saw that coming.] 

Be Bitter or Be Better

I could be mad the store didn’t have the Cheez-Its I like (we’re all a little hooked on the white cheddar Grooves) but I choose to see how lucky I am for everything they did have. Things of actual sustenance.

Being upset with the hoarders and complaining about them openly is understandable but I choose to use my energy instead to help those in my community who need things right now instead.

I could point fingers and debate the politics of this situation with the rest of the world but I’m going to be really honest right now: I don’t care. Does it really matter who’s fault it is it started or what party someone with an idea belongs to? I don’t care about any of those stupid details everyone keeps screaming about all day long. Mistakes were made and are being made, I think we can all agree on that, I am focused on doing my part not to spread anything and loving on the people around me right now. Honestly, that’s what really matters. Everyone should be looking out for each other, taking the steps to prevent spreading it, and reminding each other we’re all in this together. No one is alone. 

I also want to learn the ukulele, finish a few books I’m reading, memorize Psalm 23, clean out this house, do some painting, clean the yard, and take a lot of naps.  

Who will you be when this is all over?

When I come out of my chrysalis, I want to keep giving. I want to keep giving food and medicine to people in need. I am spreading love and friendship to people feeling sad and alone. I’m giving more time to my friends and family. I will do one less chore per day so I can color one more picture with my daughter. Staying up just a little later so I can play one game with my son will be a priority. I want to sit on the sofa next to my husband instead of lounging in my favorite chair when we talk at night. 

I want to be a happier, more living, more peaceful person when I come out. Leaning into my life and my people like never before will be my new normal. I’m going to be a butterfly. 

Who will YOU be when this is all over?

Posted in Depression, happiness, Uncategorized

My New Year’s Resolution life hack – She Proclaims.com

My New Year’s Resolution

My New Year’s Resolution this year is exactly what it’s been the last few: to make no resolutions. 

I know, we’ve all made the joke and yukked it up. Finally a goal we can reach, right? For me, it’s honestly the truth. I realized my New Year’s Resolution put a lot of pressure on me to flip some invisible switch at midnight on the first day of the year to become a better version of myself. All I was doing was setting myself for another failure. 

Seriously think about it. Cinderella’s instant transformation only lasted a few hours and she had a freaking fairy godmother helping her out. I’m not topping that with my New Year’s resolution.

I decided long ago that I am better with New Day Resolutions. They’re like New Year’s Resolutions only smaller, generally more realistic, and if you goof up you can start over the next day without feeling like a loser. Some days have more than others, it kind of depends on what is happening in my life, which is great also. I mean, who’s life is basically the same for an entire year to support a massive resolution? Certainly not mine. 

My current New Day Resolutions:


  1. Answer people within 24 hours. I struggle with this, depending on my mood and frame of mind any day. Some time I answer people immediately, sometimes it takes me more than a day. Trust me, it’s not you – its me. I can get a doctor’s note to prove it. I give myself grace if I’m having a rough day but stay in touch like I want. And if I go longer than 24 hours sometimes, its ok. I’ll give myself another 24 hours if I REALLY need it. 
  2. Give myself quiet time. Sometimes I get hours or even a whole day! Sometimes I get the few precious minutes in a bathroom stall at work. But, I am quiet with no interruptions. I might think about what I want to say to you guys, sing an *N Sync song, or read but it is completely my little paradise.
  3. Eat something I like. Yes, we’re all watching what we eat. I’ve been on weight watchers and I actually enjoy my treadmill (probably because I have made it no promises I cannot keep). I track my points but I refuse to live a life where I do not enjoy a treat each day. On a banner food day, I can have a cookie. Other days, I can have a single jolly rancher. The objective is to make sure I give myself something to smile about and enjoy each day. 
  4. Say my prayers.
  5. Tell my people I love them. For my husband and daughter, this is easy. For my nearly 14 year-old son, he is accepting the fact that I will never stop hugging him and kissing his face daily. If something happened tomorrow they’ll all know two things for sure: mom was crazy and she sure loved us all. No regrets.

Ever changing and adaptable

There are others I sprinkle in from time to time such as: clean one thing, donate something, be better than yesterday, make a hair appt, read, and get outside. Sometimes it looks more like a to-do list than a resolution list, but I do not care. Its bite sized portions of progress to keep me moving forward and living life a little bit better every day. 

At the end of the year, all those days add up to quite a big difference. I guess that sort of makes it My New Year’s resolution also.

What New Day Resolutions could you make for yourself? 

Posted in Christian, God, moms, motherhood

She Proclaims – 2019 Year in Review

I have seen this post floating around for awhile on various social media outlets and was really intrigued by it. So often, we spend this time of the year looking back on what we did wrong and making plans for resolutions to make ourselves better in the next year. That’s all fine and dandy, don’t get me wrong, but why the heck aren’t we celebrating all we did right this year? All the times we slayed and nailed it? Those times deserve their time in the spotlight too! 

I’m sharing mine here, because I am proud. I’ve come a long way in a year and I’m excited to see where I go in 2020. I want to hear your achievements and wins for this year! SHOUT OUT TO YOU FOR ALL YOU DID! 

I started a blog and website. That’s pretty big for me. Not only that, but I have been moderately consistent with updating and posting! I even have a solid Instagram you need to check out if you aren’t already! Normally, I have great ideas but they peter out pretty quickly and I move on, this just reminds me that I’m on the right path. I’m doing my heart’s work and it feels amazing! 

I helped two people very close to me through some very scary, hard times. I made a difference and I can see how much I really do matter to people. 

I became a paid author. Read that sentence at least three more times. I am an author. Dream come true right there. More to come too! 

I learned how to do hand lettering. No more being envious of others, I can do it whenever I want. 

I loved my family and friends. I forgave people who hurt me. I unpacked old wounds and I am helping to heal properly. I laughed a lot, cried some, stayed true to myself, and saw a snow owl. 

I “met” all of you. Some are closer than others now, but I’m so grateful for each of you.  

It was a good year. Tell me yours!

Posted in happiness, moms, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

Easy Giving Tuesday & #GiftItForward ideas

Easy Giving Tuesday & #GiftItForward ideas

Giving Tuesday & #GiftItForward ideas always flood me this time of year. I’m sitting in a black cape in the rear of the salon while I write this. I’d like to say no gray hairs have ever graced this head, but that would be a lie. In fact, with every passing year the battle to keep them at bay gets harder and harder.

Some day, I told myself, I’ll just color it all gray and be done with this act of vanity. But that day is not today. 

Today I’m watching the clock tick on, enjoying the view of an older gentleman in a bonnet under the dryer across from me, hoping I’ll get a glimpse of his new ‘do before I go.

I also think back to when the gray first showed up. When I was a single mom, working hard to barely keep us afloat, cursing the gray hairs while skillfully balancing my income with our bills. Grateful when I a few dollars left to occasionally mostly match my hair color to a box at Walgreens and wash away the gray for awhile. 

That Christmas, a friend had a gift card for a free coloring to a salon she didn’t go to. I’m not sure if it was the bags under my eyes, the obvious roots from a failed color match attempt, or the harsh gray hairs peeking through that tipped her off but she gifted that gift card to me.

She saw me. My struggle and my wants were acknowledged for the first time in a long time that day. I cried. I know there were other things we actually needed at home, but this was needed just as badly. This was needed for my soul. 

She was giving me far more than just a little pampering. 


I soaked in every moment at the salon that winter. That year I was becoming the solo mom, rock, warrior, and survivor. No regrets came from any of the hard things I was going through, but did miss the little treats I had taken for granted before.

I promised myself two things that day. First, someday all my colors would come from the salon and not the drug store. Secondly, when I got where I was going, I’d turn around to pass along kindness to someone else. 

Here I am, 13 years later, in my cape just like you can find me every 8 weeks. This time of year more that any it takes me back to the gift card and promises made.

“…freely you have received, freely give.” Matthew 10:8


I call it “Giving It Forward”. A way to take what I am have and bless others. To share my good fortune with them and bless them with a little kindness. 

My favorite way to do it this time of year is through gift cards. I receive quite a few each year. Some I’ll use, some I won’t. Many I will only use part of. They used to gather dust in a drawer in my kitchen until “giving it forward” hit me.

Giving Tuesday – #GiftItForward

I gave a gas card for station I am never nearby to a family preparing for a long drive to an important, possibly scary, appointment. I told I found it, I’m not in it for the glory. 

If you were behind me at Starbucks, you have likely received a discount on your drink from the gift card balance I left behind for you. 

To the lady at the Subway drive thru, I saw those kids bouncing in your backseat. I saw the look on your face. A day’s worth of tasks, appointments, worries, and responsibilities veiling your tired face. I hope the card I left behind put a dent in your bill and a smile on your face.

It’s that easy. Freely we receive gifts and freely we pass them on to those around us. It’s not Earth shattering work, there is no handing out of awards, but smiles will be given out. I think that makes it important work. This December, I’m inviting everyone to join me! Follow me on Instagram and tag @She.Proclaims with the #GiftItForward hashtag to see love spread! You can also donate your balances online to charity at Donate Your Card.

(P.S. I am not sure what the man did. He left before I could see him but my stylist and I agree it doesn’t really matter, that’s a man living his best life for himself. Rock on, sir.)

Posted in Christian, Depression, God, guest writer, happiness, longreads, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I had no idea 2 years ago when I started diving deep into my Bible journaling and studying what the next 18 months had in store for me. Marriage struggles (we’re good now), financial problems (also good), parenting challenges (still doing our best), depression dive (I’m in my comeback!), deaths close to us, sickness around us, and struggles for people we love. I have been through hard times before but 2018 and 2019 may have been the hardest years on my heart to date.

I came across many verses which continue to help me when I struggle and I am still finding new ones all the time. Even new meanings in old ones as I read them again. However, in 2017 I found two in Colossians and Thessalonians which speak to my heart so strongly here in 2019 that I wanted to share them with you. Both are really great books to read this time of the year, in my opinion;  full of beauty, hope, thankfulness, and truth. A little like me. 

Colossians 3:15 “And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace and always be thankful.”

I look around the world, my state, my town, my office, my church, my family and I can find people I agree with fully. People who stand for what I do and stand up to what I do also. I love those people. They are easy to get along with, to be thankful for, and to work closely with. They fill my heart. 

I can also find plenty of people in each of these places I do not agree with at all. I find their stances to be unfair to many, hurtful, based in exclusion, omission, and rejection. Hearing them talk makes me want to cry for the world and apologize to my children. Sometimes, I actually do. I struggle to work with them and be thankful for their work in the world. They break my heart. 

There are also many people who walk the fine line between filling and breaking my heart. These are the people I love so dearly and support in so many ways, yet cannot understand how their heart sees the world’s issues how they are. I am roughly 50-75% thankful for these people at a glance, depending on if they are doing what I like or not in a given moment. They confuse my heart. 

Colossians 3:15 was an epic wake up call for me (also, if you really want to think about the body of Christ idea, check out this sermon from my church recently!). We are all different. We are not all the same parts, which can lead to some issues, but need to live in peace. We need to be thankful for the people around us. I do not agree on many things with a friend who spends a lot of time volunteering at a veteran’s hospital. He’s doing good, even all of his work isn’t what I want. People I wish would open their eyes to causes around the world volunteer at their churches to help the hungry. I’m thankful for that. 

We don’t have to agree to be thankful for one another. 

Thessalonians 5:18 “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” 

How hard is this one? I stared at this one for a long time when I first came upon it. It’s hard to be grateful in hard times. I think its only human to see the bad at face value. It’s easy to get lost in the sadness, hopelessness, and darkness surrounding hard times. If you’re anything like me, the easy path is the preferred one whenever possible. Life is hard enough without volunteering yourself for more, right?

In this case, that couldn’t be more wrong. Being down, brings you down further. Letting the sadness get too far, lets the depression sneak in and take over. Losing sight of the goodness and being thankful makes life a long, miserable sentence. Even in the hard times, there is something good in each day. 

Every night for as long as I can remember, I ask my daughter at bedtime “What was something kind someone did for you? And what is something kid you did for someone?”. Some nights she’s got more than one answer for each question queued up for me. Some nights she bursts into tears and we need to talk a bit to come up with two answers together. Some days are better than others. 

The point of this verse and the point I’m trying to make to her is this: there is something good in every day. Sometimes we have to look harder than others, but it’s there. Find it. Don’t let the hard times or sad times win. 

There are so many more, I could go on, but go find them for yourself. This year? I’m thankful for you, for healing, for my family, my friends, my job, my health, my cat, and all the hard things I have been able to overcome. I’m ready for whatever is next.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, God, happiness, longreads, Uncategorized

Change Your Mindset – Find Your Happiness!

Change your mindset is the best and worst advice I have ever gotten in my life. It’s a popular topic around the web, television, and magazines too. Everyone everywhere is starting to realize the power our minds really have over our lives and happiness, which is great. I like the idea of being in charge of my own happiness but the topic is so broad its hard to wrap your head around.

I am by no means an expert (at this or anything else really – other than naps). However, I am someone who struggles to find herself and happiness in life. I don’t believe there is a “final destination” of happiness once you change your mindset, its something that will change and evolve over time. Having the tools and skills to help you work through those times is the key to helping you find happiness. 

Change your mindset about calendars

For a very long time, I was a “sure, yeah!” person (a SYP from here on). If someone needed help or a volunteer and asked? My response was always “sure, yeah!” even if I didn’t really want it to be. I’d throw it onto my daily calendar on my phone then stare at all my tasks each morning with dread. Sometimes, I still try to find legitimate reasons to cancel things because I am so tired

There’s nothing wrong with being a SYP. Honestly, SYPs are really important for keeping the world spinning! The key is being a selective SYP. Say yes when it feeds your soul or you can help with something without destroying the rest of your day. Taking on things you don’t really love or without checking your schedule first will tear you down. You will be burn out, feel crabby, and overwhelmed by life. The life you signed up for. 

I got an adorable old school planner to help change my mindset about my time. You can print a calendar off the internet, buy a wall calendar, make your own, or get a planner – whatever floats your boat – but the key is that you will see the whole month at one time.

Change your mindset about being busy

I used to view busy as some sort of warped badge of honor. Like, the fuller my calendar was the better I was doing at life. I’m not sure if I thought going to meetings was cool? Does having a calendar full of “stuff” make me really important to the world? Do the more things I can cram onto a tiny square representing a single day in my planner, make me better? I found value in the quantity of things I was doing, not the quality of self I was giving.

There is no merit badge for being busy. I have checked with every merit badge-awarding group I can think of. They have badges for cooking, building, archery, and even chess….but no one gives out any special award for “being busy all the freaking time”. So what on Earth was the draw?

Grab your calendar for the month. Write in everything you need to do. Dentist appointments, meetings, school events, hair appointments, volunteer duties – whatever. If you have a commitment (whether out of love or obligation) write it down. When you are finished, look back at your month. Is there something on every day? More than one thing on many days? Do you feel tired and overwhelmed looking at it? How will actually doing it each day feel? I get it. That was me for many years. Stretched thin, living a sparse life, with no room for “unscheduled” happiness. It works for a while, in small doses, we all have busy seasons in life. When non-stop busyness become your normal, though? It’s no longer a season, it’s a cry for help.

What are you looking for?

I’m no expert, just a regular mom with a whole lot of baggage that desperately needs to be sorted, claimed, and dealt with. Seriously, I make the “unclaimed baggage” room at LAX look like a P.O. box when compared to what I’m working with. Busy lives are usually a sign people looking for something to fill their voids. The problem is, we can’t usually see what our voids are until we have reached some sort of life altering, world shattering low point. 

We all have our demons and issues – God knows I’m far from an exception to that rule – that we need to identify and deal with to find peace. I can’t speak for everyone, but here’s my deal: I never feel that I am loved enough, valued enough, or wanted enough for people in my life. These voids fill up by cramming my schedule as full as I can. I try to make myself so valuable and needed that it feels like I am loved. 

Never enough

Honestly, I can’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t felt that way to an extent. In elementary school, I craved praise from teachers and classmates. I wanted to be the smartest, the coolest, the most artistic, the most helpful – anything to be needed in that world. 

At home, I wanted to matter. I wanted to be more than “the smart one”. To be fun, engaging, and captivating to those around me. I didn’t want to just be the girl with the answers, sometimes I wanted to be the girl who was the answer. The one with the joke or punchline who strangers stopped to gush over in the store; chosen over other for special attention. But, that was never me. 

I was too big, too old, too smart, or too loud for any of that. I was just never the right person at the right time to meet the needs of whoever was around. Friends, family, teachers, strangers…whatever the case I was seeking approval and only finding it when I worked myself to the bone. The plus side? I was getting what I thought I needed. The down side? I was only getting it when I ran myself ragged and on other people’s schedules. That’s no way to lie your life and find true happiness. 

The missing piece

I grew up going to church, learning my Bible stories and memorizing my verses. Not because I felt God’s amazing work in my heart and soul, but because I wanted to please my Sunday school teachers. Noticing a pattern here? Wish I would have seen it sooner and save myself a lot of heartaches. 

I have been linking my value to what other people think and say about me. Not what I think, feel, or what God has to say about anything. I have been so busy living and dying for the people around me, I never gave much thought to fully living for God above me. I was putting my worth in schedules, awards, and praise instead of looking at my bigger role in life. My role in God’s plan.

How that changed

I would love to say there was one Earth shattering, soul-baring, definitive moment that changed that view for me; but that would be a total fabrication. It took numerous events to finally wake me up and help me see all I was missing in life. To this day, I live with abandonment issues stemming from my parents divorce. I am littered with insecurities from more than one boyfriend cheating on me and replacing me with a “better model”. I have lost jobs, a marriage, all my money, and myself before starting to warm up to the idea I am doing things wrong and living for the wrong people. The universe was essentially screaming at me, “change your mindset!” with every new hurdle I encountered.  

I don’t need to do anything for anyone else. No one on Earth. I need to live for myself and for my God. In the rawest, purest, most authentic way possible. It is the only way to find my true purpose and happiness in life. It sure would be great if this process were easy or came with step by step instructions, but such is not the case. Like so many other things in life, growth of this magnitude relies on two things: lots of mistakes and even more faith.

Posted in Depression, happiness, longreads, moms, motherhood, selfcare, Uncategorized

F those people – they aren’t yours – SheProclaims.com

F those people in life, who will not understand you. They will think you are too much or not enough. No matter what you say or do or how you try to explain it to them – it just won’t make sense. That’s all ok. Those people are not your people. Fuck those people (yes, Christian mom and sometimes I cuss – that’s how I roll). Find different people.

Those people and their opinions are not paying your bills. They are not in charge of you or your life decisions. It is not your job to make them comfortable or contort yourself to fit the mold they want you in. Your responsibilities in life are to be kind, do good things, love others, and be happy. That’s it. You live your life for you and no one else. You don’t need to hate them or be mean to them or rude to them – just take a deep breath and move on.

I learned this the hard way.

Many years ago, I was in a relationship which was definitely not the right fit for me. I am not sure why this person seemed so important to me at the time, but my craving for acceptance was so strong I was willing to do most anything. I changed my personality, interests, and worked myself to the bone to keep him happy. Comparing pictures from the start or our relationship to the end, you can watch the light in my eyes slowly fade. 

When he dumped me? I was a mess. I didn’t know who I was or what I liked anymore. I had pushed away a lot of friends and felt like I didn’t even know myself anymore. I felt discarded, worthless, crazy, and unworthy of anyone’s attention (especially his). I mistakenly let someone else drive my bus. When he pulled over, hopped off, and walked away I had no idea where I was, where to go, or how to even drive the dang bus. 

I wasted years of my life trying to be someone else for someone else. I wished I could be different, better, more worthy for him. I was so busy chasing his dreams that I lost mine. I missed out on part of my life because I was so focused on trying to make his better. I didn’t value myself one bit, and in the end neither did he. 

There is no “happy medium”

I was too quiet when we were out with his friends (never mine), then I was too loud. I never did find the right balance so I stopped being included. 

I was too lazy when I wanted a night at home with movies, then I was too wild if I wanted to go out for drinks. I gave up suggesting and just where he wanted. 

I dressed like a slut, then like a frumpy nun. I let him pick my clothes to save the fight. 

I spent too much money, then didn’t buy him nice enough things. I couldn’t even have a debit card to my own account.  I let him decide what I spent. 

Repairing your soul takes time

I am still healing from the damage that I allowed him to do, 20 years later. The damage I invited in, encouraged, and tolerated. Looking back on it now, all I can say is it was bullshit. In every sense of the word. There were people around me who love me deeply warning me of the damage it was doing to me; but I didn’t listen. I decided they couldn’t stand to see me happy and pushed them away. They became the villains in my story. I wish I had listened to them instead.. 

What I have learned since then is that I do not live my life for anyone but me. I will be too much or too little for some people and that’s ok. There is nothing wrong with me or them, we just aren’t meant to be kindred spirits. I will be too loud, too liberal, too conservative, too outspoken, and too vulnerable for some people. That’s ok. My job is not to make you comfortable, it is to live my best life and do as much good as I can. 

I suffered in silence for years, dying a little each day, trying to keep my depression and anxiety away from the world. I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, after all. Until the day I woke up and realized I was slowly killing myself this way. I was robbing my husband of his wife, giving my children only part of their mother, and hiding away my authentic self. The people that matter most were getting the least, because I didn’t want strangers to feel bad

F Those people.

Living your life for someone else is a waste of time. Nothing good comes from it, so I do not recommend it. I was a shattered, hollowed out soul when I found myself completely alone and regretting how I had allowed my life to go. Into a direction I didn’t want and didn’t enjoy. I missed out on fun times with family and friends because I was so devoted loving to someone who didn’t love me. Someone who didn’t let me love me either. 

Somewhere out there, I know someone is that place I crawled from. Ignoring the little voice in their head and the tug in their heart telling them they deserve more. They are feeling lost, unfulfilled, and adrift in a story they do not fully love. Maybe you’re the someone and you need to hear this. Maybe you know someone who needs to hear it from a completely unbiased source. This next part is important: take it in, share it, and live it. F those people who are holding you back.

Live your life

Do not live your life for someone else. F those people who try to limit your greatness or dim the light in your eyes. They are not your people, move along. Be kind, be loving, but don’t let others drive your bus. You do you. Be your authentic and original self. Shout your truth from the tops of mountains. You deserve happiness. The people who don’t “get” you are not worth worrying about and certainly not worth changing for. 

Wake up each and every day with a commitment to yourself to give your all to your own life each and every day. Bring the best and fullest version of you to the people you love. To the people who feed your soul. Those, dear friend, are your people. The people who see your messy, loud, quiet, lazy, crazy, true, real self are the ones that matter most. F those people who can’t handle your full life self.

Posted in Anxiety, Christian, Depression, guest writer, happiness, longreads, Meditation, moms, motherhood, sad, selfcare, suicide, Uncategorized

Sorry My Depression Makes You Uncomfortable – SheProclaims.com

“It’s just difficult for us when we don’t what your mood will be today. Your depression makes us uncomfortable.”

I am sorry my depression makes you uncomfortable. Want to know why people suffer in silence? Don’t get help? Get lost in the darkness, leaving everyone shaking their heads saying “I had no idea…”? It’s because too often, others make your depression about them. They shame people into feeling small, bothersome, and crazy for struggling when they don’t feel we should.

I have gone over this before, remember this post? But that’s fine. I’m will not going away. I’ll address it until I die.

I’m done with the mask. I will not going to tell you I’m fine, when I’m not. I also won’t breakdown sobbing and unleashing all my problems on you. Instead, I’m going to be quieter than usual when you see me while I work things out. It’s going to get uncomfortable, but I’m ok with that. Uncomfortable is where change begins.

I’m so sorry if my depression is inconvenient for you. Clearly, I am doing this to make you uncomfortable and cause as much disruption to your life as possible. It’s a well known fact that people choose depression and other mental illnesses out of spite most of the time. And for the fame and admiration which comes with being labeled. Right?

I realize that even though it takes a 30 minute pep talk and prayer meeting to will myself out of bed, I am making life your life hard by not being perkier in the mornings.

Even though I am often exhausted from insomnia and constantly talking my anxiety down to a manageable level, you’re right. It’s my responsibility to make sure everyone else is completely at ease around me at all times. Instead of a simple polite smile when you say good morning, I will try to light up like the Griswold family’s Christmas lights and enthusiastically greet you. That won’t feel fake or awkward for anyone.

Its great when you ask what will make me happy. Obviously, I withhold that one thing from myself just to ruin your day. I am thinking of a number between 1 and 100 billion, as soon as we reach that number with the question, I will spill it and we’ll all have a good laugh at this game.

You get bonus points by demanding I tell you what is making me sad. That is definitely going to help – especially if you can raise your voice during the conversation. Maybe…just maybe, you’ll be the one to “set me straight”. Worst case, we’ll be closer to the secret number.

Please keep inviting me to things only to get offended if I politely decline. If I do go, get ready to be irritated when I don’t have as much fun as you think I do. Probably a good time to interrogate me more too. Maybe in front of a group? That might help.

Thank you for telling me about 10 people you know who are in worse positions than me. Nothing pulls one out of depression faster than knowing things can get worse. Make sure to use lots of shame and guilt to hammer that point home. People with depression and mental illness are known for having large amounts of self esteem. Good idea pointing those faults out to bring us all back down to Earth.

Clearly, I choose to struggle with food, sleep, chores, work, socializing, and productivity. All because I want to annoy and inconvenience those around me. I’m a very selfish person as I wake up every day and decide “I’m going to be sad today. Again.”

Actually, I’m sorry I’m not sorry at all.

I’m sorry if me speaking up, speaking out, and asking for help is uncomfortable for you. I’m sorry if its frustrating you or inconvenient for you. I know I’m supposed to suffer in silence out of respect for your comfort level and desired ignorance.

Wait, no I’m not. Not sorry at all. My job isn’t to make you feel good about the world. Your happiness and level of comfort are not my responsibility. Stop trying to make it so. I will not apologize if my depression makes you feel uncomfortable.

Requests that I just be happy, just be fun, smile more, and make others comfortable is ridiculous. I’m going to admit when I’m struggling and need help until everyone can start thinking about how we can help people, instead of how we can try to convince people they should be fine – then hope they hide their pain.